Doubting I'll ever be a musical sensation or a world renowned
brain surgeon is just being realistic but doubting myself in general is
becoming a real problem. Before I became ill I was confident and enthusiastic
about near enough everything I tried; now there's a constant tiny doubt living
in the back of mind with an obsession with cheese on toast and a television
turned up to max volume.
It's a constant distraction and it's effecting my writing. I
doubt my basic writing skills, my imagination, my ability to create convincing
characters and environments. I doubt my own voice. What if I'm not great? What
if attempting to write another novel is like me trying to climb a mountain all
by myself? What if I never see the view from the top?
Then I realised all that is irrelevant, that everything I do
is good enough for me; that climbing a mountain doesn't happen overnight. I may
not be the greatest writer ever born, of my generation or even of my fucking
star sign but that's not what I want to be, I want to be the author of my own
stories, be the creator of my own characters and worlds; even if they are
considered contrived by some and my name is mentioned in the same sentence as
the word "Hack".
It could be worse, one morning I could wake up and regret
never trying because I was afraid I'd fail, that I never gave myself the chance
to be great because I gave up.
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| Pronounce that for me |
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